Us, Today

Went outside this morning with Haven around 8am to get his small white toy tow truck and ended up staying out there for 45 minutes? We were able to sleep together last night after I went to bed early because I was stress sick. Max brought Haven in the room (where I was already in bed) around 8:30pm and was gone after that. I'm not sure when he came back. He came back around 4:45pm today and left after taking a shower. Haven was asleep. He's awake now and got up out of the mattress in the living room. He asked where daddy is. I told him I don't know. He asked if he's in the bedroom. I told him no. Then he said, "Oh snap." I laughed and told him that he was funny. He said yeah that's so funny. He just ran past and said, "I go - go pee." bo

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(Haven typed those things)

Up late because Max didn't spend time at all with Haven yesterday, and Haven didn't see him at all after he saw Max briefly that morning when he appeared to tell Haven he "had to go to work" and that he'd "see him soon."

After waking in the early evening, Haven didn't ask about Max again until a little after 10pm, and referred to him as "Max" instead of "daddy." He asked where Max was, and I told him I didn't know, because I didn't.

Max came inside the apartment around 4:30pm. Haven was asleep after hours playing outside. I had been moving around the apartment, cleaning and finishing mail tasks for items I've sold that have been overdue for delivery. Max went immediately into the bathroom. It was silent in there for quite some time - almost 1/2 hour? 20 minutes? - I was working nearby due to the location of the things I needed, and also because Haven was asleep in the living room. After 20 - 25 minutes or so, the shower turned on. I was not near the bathroom when Max exited it, and I don't know when he left the apartment. Haven woke up a little after 6pm, and Max had been gone for at least 25 minutes.

I told Haven I was sorry and asked him if he wanted to call him from my cell phone. My heart ached and stomach sank when he shuffled his feet and said no, hung his head. He looked up at me and with a sweet, genuine, solemn face told me he felt sad. I told him I knew, and that I was so sorry, that it was why I'd wanted to get all the big boxes to make him a cardboard tunnel crawling fort, to distract him from the fact that his dad was not here after saying he would be: "I'll see you soon."

If Max had any respect or concern for Haven, he would have at least told us he wouldn't be returning or seeing Haven at all that day, that way Haven would know what to expect and not be left hanging there like he was - like he is every time that Max has done this. Max creates a situation where he has abandoned his son, and it doesn't have to be that way. If he had the smallest amount of respect, he would at least let me know he wouldn't be seeing his son that day, but he didn't say a word to me when he left - I didn't even know he was gone until I went into the back bedroom and saw that he wasn't there, and that he wasn't in the bathroom. Max didn't say a word to me all day yesterday, he didn't make eye contact with me once. Though I caught glimpse of his physical form at least 3 times.

I'd rather be writing about nearly any other topic. There are many small but profoundly beautiful experiences with my son that I fear to forget, that I want so much to remember. That I'd much rather be documenting. However, because of the nature of the entities I'm dealing with - remorseless, callous liars, failing empathy even to the one they falsely claim to protect, I feel I have no other option but to document as much as I can, and am greatly failing in this aspect. What I do report is so little of the amount of conflict that is experienced, is not enough to describe the hostility that is felt every day, and is not near enough to accurately describing all the subtle indicators that scream the obvious MAX [STILL] DOES NOT GIVE A F*** ABOUT HIS SON that as a live-in housekeeper I've been privy to. I don't want to be writing all these horrible things. I don't want to be witness to them. I don't want this to be happening. I want Max to love Haven. I tell Haven at times that his daddy loves him so much, because it pains me so much to have to see his disappointment and sadness nearly every day at the emotional unavailability of his father. It'd be much better if he wasn't physically present, but he is, he's here to aggravate a wound of neglect that he won't let heal, he's always around to reinforce the fact that he's lying to everyone and Haven to his face about his feelings for him and his ability to provide for him.

He's continued manipulating Haven to hurt me. He's begun to remove Haven from my custody without warning or discussion, without letting us say goodbye, and often late into the night (for a 3 year-old), after 9pm. During these absences, my messages and calls asking about where Haven is are often completely ignored and unresponded to. Max will tell me they've been at his parent's house, though 9:30pm is historically much later than his parents would entertain Max with Haven, and sometimes Max returns appearing intoxicated - unable to stay awake, acting deaf to Haven't attempts to communicate with him, violently angry at any communication from me about his appearing intoxicated and his ignorance to Haven's words and actions.

He continues to turn on the TV in effort to withdraw from any requests from Haven for personal interaction. He attempts to use the TV as a substitute for himself as a father. Despite my protests and readily-available scientific data, as well as commonly-known information, Max insists that keeping the TV on for Haven up until bedtime is calming for Haven. If left to his own devices, I'm 100% positive the TV would be on nonstop when/if Max was left alone with Haven - something I do everything in my realistic ability to keep from happening.

He continues to insist on unhealthy nutritional habits for Haven. Two days ago, on Wednesday, we got into a loud disagreement that resulted in Max taking Haven from my custody without my assent and without warning and with chaotic and negative energy.

I was picking up around the apartment and came across Haven's water cup by the window where earlier he had been watching Max use a weed wacker to chop up the blackberry bushes in the back yard. He'd been standing in the dirty entry part of the hall for some time, his face bored and anxious, his feet bare, his hands in fists; no toys to entertain him otherwise, no place comfortable.

I decided to make him comfortable while he watched his daddy. I put a sheet from the surrounding piles of dirty laundry under his feet to protect him from the sharp gravel pebbles. Then I went from there; I piled cleaner and cleaner things on top of each other, and ended with pillow piles in order to make him tall enough to comfortably see out the window. I moved the tall piles of dirty laundry away from him and made the area much less chaotic and more comfortable to be in. I brought him fruit and crackers and fresh, clean water in a clean sippy cup.

Max came in with frozen pizza -a kind Haven doesn't like (Haven only likes cheese pizza anymore, after picking off and eating the pepperoni - not that you'd know this from seeing the pizza Max regularly buys and Haven doesn't eat ) - they were eating it. Though a lot of it was left, at no point did Max offer me any. This is normal. I was cleaning while they were eating and came across Haven's water, where we'd left it near the window that he'd been watching Max from. I asked Haven if he wanted some water. He said yes. I picked up his cup and began to bring it to him, when I heard Max say something like, here, have some juice. I asked Max why he told Haven to drink juice when he knew I was bringing him water, which Max as well as every U.S. adult of below-average and above intelligence knows water is much healthier than juice for Haven to be drinking, and a much better lifestyle habit for him to have. Max argued with me and defended his actions, he told me that juice is mostly water, anyways. I asked Max why he has repeatedly sabotaged my efforts to instill healthy water-drinking habits in our son over the years, and pointed out the fact that any tie he's been left alone with Haven, I've found no evidence that Haven has been given water, and any water left for Haven by me was completely empty, either drunk by Haven entirely or spilled completely. Somehow, Max escalated this into an interaction with us heatedly arguing - me refusing to back down on my pro-water for Haven argument, and Max attacking me in his normal defensive/offensive tactic of attempting to turn the table and point fingers at me for something I've allegedly done, though the argument began because of something he had / had not done.