Vandalismz & Wreck Chords<€(Un)sleeping Times: Up at 3am bc Scared

\At some point in the night, maybe a little before I got up (just logically - I have no idea, really), Max did that snarl evil thing again where he goes Get the FUCK out of MY bed to me, and often grabs me somewhere really roughly while I'm sleeping next to Haven. Sometimes Haven wakes up. Obviously he's not deaf, so he hears it whether he wakes up or not, and I'm absolutely certain that it effects him, I'm sure he's sensitive to Max's treatment of me and moods toward me, and it's disturbing as fuck the way Max does it, especially while Haven and I are enjoying an evening's rest together, which is less rare than before (which was never, because of Max's intentional actions), but still not commonplace, something that breaks my heart.

I've had many, maybe near-daily, arguments in my head about what to do about sleeping with Haven - he's so big now, and soon the magic will be gone. Haven wakes up SO happy with me, and I know he benefits from my middle-of-the-night kisses and hugs and affectionate whispers.

But then there's Max. I'm greatly reducing the potential of a peaceful night for Haven if I'm sleeping with him, as Max gets these irresistible urges to harass and terrorize me, and doesn't give the slightest concern for the repercussions of his actions towards me to Haven - maybe it's part of the package deal, knowing how distressed I get at Haven's distress.

On the other hand, Max sleeping with Haven is sometimes a fucked up disturbance to Haven as well, PTSD-inducing, it would seem - Max goes to bed absolutely wasted, to me (and very likely to Haven) at random, I never know when he's going to get super fucked up. His alarm will go off for hours and hours without him stirring. I've listened to see what would happen a few times, and only let it go on for 'too long' once - I had to see what would happen if I wasn't here. I had to know. Because I am sacrificing so much by being here and am indescribably miserable and smothered in negativity and sometimes real despair here because of this creature that is my son's father. I had to take that opportunity, where Haven was perfectly safe and I was pretty sure Max was just passed out cold, not dead, to see their relationship and how Haven responded and how Max did or didn't respond in a situation that is sure to happen again and is definitely sure to happen much more frequently if I wasn't here 'supervising. Instead of remembering my presence in the apartment, Haven became hysterical, crying, daddy! DADDY! Louder and louder, then crying, then shouting Daddy! At Max, demanding a bottle, then just saying daddy over and over. I came to get him then, after Max apparently gave no response to Haven's pleas, and I explained Max was just very tired.

Even when Max isn't passed out cold, he will put Haven to bed in a filthy bed - no normal person would sleep in a bed that f*d up unless they were absolutely wasted or unless they had to. There will be garbage in the bed, and obvious dirt and sand - you put your hand on the bed, and you can feel the grains. Coins, dirty clothes, 'clean' clothes, dirty blankets - sometimes old sour milk-soaked blankets and sheets and pillows - everything lumped up really bad, like not comfortable lumps, like your ribs might be distended by morning if you sleep there. There've been at least a dozen times I've gone in while Haven was asleep and made the bed up from under him, clean sheets and everything. Many times, I've seen Haven go without blankets until I cover him up - I wake up through the night when I sleep with him and make sure he's covered, and if he's not, I make him as comfortable as I can.

So I got up at 3 and thought it was 5. But no, it was 3. I was really tired, and wondering why I looked so haggard in the mirror, figured that this was it - forever haggard has begun. I made a piece of french toast and put the last of the honey from two containers in Haven's new owl bowl (dirty from yesterday with the old food (leftover brown stir fried rice & bbq/teriyaki pork & chicken that I fried with bacon and ham yesterday) scraped out of it) on top of the piece to allow for its merciful drowning and then heavenly soaking. Then I started studying vocational planetary placements and it was not super easy for me in my blurry state, but not too hard, either. I think I was going to try and re-place this Amazon Fresh order that wouldn't go through yesterday.

How am I going to overcome this? How am I going to get the help I need? It's been a year and a half or so of me being stuck in this - thing - whatever this is, where I'm unable to function, like there's a part of me that is a dead fucking thing that needs to be fixed or replaced or something because there's a part of this process that obviously isn't working and I can't think or speak it into functioning again and need some kind of outside help to get me to the correct customer service department or something because I'm lost and I'm not getting any less lost. I haven't been able to leave to pay rent yet - I have the money - and we all knew that I wasn't going to make it to the reservation for the boat I made at the Center for Wooden Boats on Lake Union for Haven and I at 11:30am. It was a beautiful fucking morning. And I wanted to bring him. And I was going through the motions and I was doing it, and then it was gone and I knew. This heavy weight came over my body, I was so so tired, like tired to the point where it seemed I'd never be un-tired and how was that ever even possible in the past? Haven knew the day before yesterday, and he knew when I was talking to him about it yesterday morning, but he looked into my eyes and saw the truth of my intent there (another romanticized assumption, but if you would have seen our exchange, maybe you'd probably agree with me, I'm sure). He studied my eyes and I saw him make a decision to believe me, after all the times I've let him down. And he let himself get excited with me. And I disappointed him again.

It hurts me terribly to admit that and re-live it, but this is what I'm talking about. It doesn't matter how I feel, or my intent, or my plan. I alone am physically incapable of almost everything - or is it every actual thing? - that involves me stepping a foot outside the door. It's bigger than that, even - I can't even follow through on plans with myself to take a shower. Going off of recent history, it's been taking me 3-7 days to get from the point of really deciding with determination that I'm going to shower RIGHT NOW to actually getting in the shower. That is the absolute truth. Hours upon hours of bathroom time with nothing happening. Often towards the end of the week I will spend an entire evening or two in the bathroom preparing to shower, and still no shower. I finally showered yesterday late afternoon, before 'going to the boats.' After an afternoon of cleaning and too-short play times with Haven, and telling him I'm going to shower, but then telling him I feel so bad about leaving him alone to shower, back and forth like an irritating squeaky old teeter totter, just slamming the worn ends of my plank over and over onto the packed earth beneath me with an unnecessarily jarring and chaotic force. Overwhelming, annoying, a little disturbing with a whiff of insanity if the wind is blowing a certain way. Holy crap, why are you doing that? Just like, stop.

My shower yesterday was the first I've had since Max stole all of my things. Was that the mid-early February? Like a week in? I'm not sure right now. I think I wrote about it here. My symptoms get worse with every incident brought on by Max, congruent to the size of his drama, as well as the effect I perceive it having on Haven.

I want help so bad. I don't know if I'll be able to get it. I don't know if I'll make it out of here. Which is fine, for me. But I need to keep Haven safe. It's not ok here. Max is not ok. That guy is still living in the laundry room. Max has started putting meth in his nicotine vaporizer and he's been acting insane. He still doesn't buy Haven food unless I tell him exactly what to buy and he makes 3-4 trips to the store before he is able to get what I tell him Haven needs. He doesn't feed Haven well by any means. Almost everything he gives him comes with goldfish crackers on the side for some disturbing reason. He's going to give Haven a complex revolving around those things, if he hasn't already. He doesn't buy Haven things for bathing, either. He doesn't talk to Haven about anything at all, he tells Haven NO and once in a while tries to get Haven to listen to him 'explain' something retarded and irrelevant and in a way not quite logical and definitely not interesting. He walks away from Haven all the time again, and Haven is very upset by this, still. Why would that just go away? I've told Max many times what Haven needs from him, and he chooses not to provide it for Haven, or he is just incapable of doing so. Either way, Haven is not getting what he needs from his father, and I need to be here for Haven so he's not alone as he goes through his feelings on that. I can't change Max and I can't change Haven's needs in and for that relationship. I can't replace Max's default position as Haven's father, and I can't stop Haven from swooning any time Max is in the room, so badly he wants for the attention from his dad, every single day. I don't usually get jealous, I don't think. I totally understand where Haven's coming from, and I know he loves me and that he's in a good, stable place with our relationship. With me, he KNOWS. He doesn't know with Max, because there is nothing to know.

I could take hours of very day for a month trying to write what unthinkable behavior Max continues to exhibit toward Haven and I. Maybe after 30 days if I actually did it I'd come close to describing the frequency and the specific things that happen behind closed doors with Max. And I will try to describe some of them. But there's no way I have the time to do that, and it's not uplifting describing these things. I wish they weren't so. I really really wish Max would be a human for Haven, and treat Haven like a human, and just be like an average American man who cares about his kid but doesn't know how to show it and is just a bumbling asshole or something every once in a while, just sometimes, instead of this fucking drone thing that he is where he goes from trying to impress me with his fathering skills (which is pretty much his over-rough tickling of Haven, then telling Haven he needs something to drink, and asks Haven if he wants something to drink. Then he says are you SURE? Then he says why not just try it, then he says okaaaaay. Then he says why are you crying why cant I get a drink? What, I'm not allowed to get a drink?) Then, based on his perception of what he thinks I'm thinking and how much he perceives that I care about his relationship with Haven during that particular time of day, and how much he cares about how much I care about his relationship with Haven, he will let the forced tickling session go as long as 15 minutes, but usually it lasts about 7, and Max will drop quickly into super-drone space, where he doesnt respond to Haven at all, or in situations where I nag him, he will sit near Haven and touch him somehow, responding to Haven with "yes?" but still not looking at him or interacting with him in any way, the TV on too loud as usual. So that when I ask why he wont pay attention to his son, who is begging for his attention, he will feel righteously justified in saying he IS spending time with him, he IS interacting with him. How would I know anyway, I'm in the bathroom! I can hear Haven screaming Max's name and I can hear how many screams it takes before Max gives his sedated "yes, Haven?" and I can feel Haven's frustration at Max responding but not responding.

1. Unwanted Comments on my Secret Journal

These are some things I was afraid I'd forget if I didn't write down, so I did. I wrote these entries on the backsides of pages of a draft I had printed and stapled together. The back pages I wrote on are a few pages in from the front and from the back so as to not be immediately visible. This draft was sitting with a BUNCH of other drafts that are very, very similar to each other. Max STILL found these entries amid all the other documents I put this with. He had to go through every single piece of paper and flip every single page all the way over to find this. It boggles my mind to think of his determined sleuthing. What does he expect to find in my work drafts that he felt the need to so meticulously go over every individual page out of hundreds of pages of documents that hold no interest to anyone, really, except myself and the 2 other parties involved, and even then, I can't imagine any of them going through all those draft pages that way.

So, Max shockingly found these entries. Of particular interest to me are the comments he made and what entries he made comments on. I type them out below, including my entries. The number noted in the caption beneath the picture corresponds to the number below that begins the clarified, typed version of the entry/comments shown.

1. Max told Wonwwr {his drug dealer, long-time girlfriend, aka Gretchen Green} to take Haven away from me and the apartment and to not let me go in to get my belongings or see Haven.

Max hired his drug dealer Gretchen Green to babysit Haven instead of having me take care of him. Max was mad @ me b/c 0 sex.

Last summer, Max met a woman at his parent's cabin - 4 hour drive away w/Haven. He didn't tell me leaving town. Barely responded to my texts. Was @ door on Friday when he told me they had left @ 8pm. I was there @ 830pm wouldn't tell me where they were until they got back late on Sunday night.

MAX COMMENT: WTF? Really?! News to me

- This comment from Max is ridiculous because it's never been "news to him," unless he's sustained serious head injuries and selective amnesia. I have these texts . He's shown me pictures of them at the beach. He met that one chick there. Jessie Mohandessi. He didn't tell me he was leaving. He wouldn't tell me where he was or when he and Haven would be returning. He ignored all but one other message I sent him, and his response to those messages was extremely delayed both times.

2. Unwanted Commentary

2. 6/5/2021

More passive

aggressively

cruel to Haven

when sexually

frustrated

Addicted to

porn

MAX COMMENT: wrong

Gets suddenly

irrationally

aggressive & hostile

to me when watching

a lot of porn

Yesterday, I

woke up and

he'd left Haven

asleep on hard

wood floor

next to a bunch

of pillows

I brought Haven

to bed, took

off dirty

diaper. He

woke to ask

for "tag" then

went back to sleep

Later I woke up in living room

on cushion again & called out

to Haven no answer

grabbed pillows & blanket for

him & went to look in bedroom

3. Unwanted commentary continued from #2, above.