Today/Last Night - Max Messing w/Me In My Sleep - Ignoring Advice re Haven's Care-Leaving w/Haven

I was in bed with a migraine almost all day yesterday and until this morning. I didn't really spend any time in bed awake; if I was in bed, I was completely unconscious (aside from a small portion of time yesterday that I will soon describe). I woke up around 7am, then, after Max got out of bed and verbally threatened me, I went back to lay with Haven until he got up around 845am.

I don't know why Max got out of bed. He was gone every night over the weekend, last night included. He didn't get back until much later this morning - 5am? I woke up at least 2 different times in the night with Haven next to me, but Max was not in bed. I woke up at least 2 more times to see that Max was in bed, fully dressed, staring at his phone.

*The times I woke up were very brief flashes of open-eyed consciousness, then back to sleep quickly. I felt really crappy and must have been as tired as I felt to be able to sleep like that.*

Then, I woke up at least 5 different times to Max open-handed hitting my rear end while I was asleep. I have no idea why in the world he did that to me - and so many times. Why? What was he thinking? I was asleep. What did he think was going to happen? Max's legs were on top of my lower legs. Haven was in bed next to us each time.

The night before last night, so 2 nights ago, Max announced to Haven he was going to take him to the Evergreen State Fair the next day - yesterday. He made the proclamation just after announcing - to Haven (no words for me, in text or in person) - that he was leaving to "have dinner with a friend" "at a restaurant," and just before he walked out the door, leaving Haven heart-wrenchingly screaming in his wake. Even though I was sitting either very near Haven or directly next to him, Max didn't make a glance toward me, and didn't address me at any point. At no point that day had Max given me a clue - or directly told me - that he'd be leaving again. The only thing I heard about it was when he told Haven he was leaving. I asked him why he didn't go to the Puyallup Fair instead, because it's closer and better, and I'm pretty sure he ignored me.

Haven told him he didn't want him to go and was crying. Max was making his way down the hallway to make his exit with Haven at his heels. I yelled after him that maybe Haven would like it if he ordered him a pizza and Haven could answer the door when it was delivered. Haven did like that, but it didn't make up for his dad leaving him. Again. All the neighbors were gone - it's Labor Day weekend - so Max had no hesitation in leaving Haven at the door screaming while he drove off without pause. At no point did he try to comfort him and assure him that he cares that he's sad, that he doesn't want him to be sad, that Haven is actually important to him and is a priority in his life, no nothing like that, but that would have been lying.

In the past 6 months - 1 year, if Haven is aw ake and has seen that Max is also awake, Max month started doing this thing. He makes a scene before he goes, with Haven as a prop, in which he causes Haven to awkwardly endure his sudden "affections": a smothering, 1-way Look hug, a loud, dramatic kiss to the j, and ntheomegaphone-volume annouqqq

ugh: "I love ll

Kllhl

Oh

Nl m olk kimono oyyyjooj, son!" On days he knows he'll be gone especially long, or not come back at all, he'll add: "See you soon!" These out-of-the-ordinary words and physical contacts usually require tickling first/during because Max is usually very distant physically from Haven (unless we're fighting) and Haven is very wise to the predator-like attack scene show of Max's. It's similar to the bubble machine show, but has been held for much less of a period of time.

Haven often will refuse to let Max hug him, and never responds in kind when Max loudly announces his feelings for his son. That is why Max starts tickling him - so that he can force this hug and kiss scene on Haven. I don;t know why Max began doing this - Haven doesn't like it. Is he trying to prove something to someone, convince someone that _______? To make a point? To who? He's obviously not fooling Haven. Obviously not fooling me. Does he think if he keeps doing this, he's going to trick one or both of us into believing him? Why would he want to do that? Is the show for himself? For neighbors?

I do what I can - my best - to help Haven feel secure in a relationship with his father. I was getting upset a lot and go through phases where I still do - if I think about what is going on, it enrages me , and I don't know how to vent that rage in a healthy way. Haven's heard me going off to myself - to Haven - about how I feel about his dad's actions in whatever situation. BUT: I apologize for these tangents, sometimes just briefly, and other times more meaningfully, with a full explanation as to why I'm apologizing: they're pointless ramblings - they don't do anyone any good - that hurt my wonderful friend and son, who doesn't deserve to be hurt, especially in such an easily-preventable way. I know it hurts him because I'm saying bad things about his dad, who Haven loves, and who Haven should love, because it's his daddy. If he didn't love his daddy, there would be something weird going on. But Haven loves his daddy so so much, with his whole heart, and I know that, and Haven is doing such a good thing to love his dad that way. A beautiful, wonderful, perfect-son thing, that there's nothing wrong with loving his daddy, that I'm not acting that way (angry rambling way) because Haven did anything wrong - Haven is growing up and behaving just the way he should, he's doing everything perfectly, and that I messed up by behaving in such a selfish, angry, inconsiderate, thoughtless way. That Haven is doing so well, hasn't done anything wrong, and I messed up, and I will try to do better every day because Haven deserves a good mom, and he deserves a good dad, so I'll keep trying to be a better mom every day. And I thank him for being my son and my friend.

I know that my relationship with Haven is not encouraged by anyone else - and is likely discouraged by his father and his father's family, and what they, as a group and individually, say about me to their friends, associates, and acquaintances. There's not much I can do about that. What I know I can do that is of benefit to Haven is make him feel comfortable - as much as possible - with his feelings for his father, who very clearly does not feel the same way as Haven does. This is obvious in day-to-day interactions, or lack thereof. In the way Haven talks to his daddy, in the way his dad doesn't talk to him, or pay attention when Haven talks to him. In the way his dad won't take the time for Haven, to do anything with or for him. He won't unbuckle Haven so he can see the front end loader dump gravel in the truck bed. He's never brought him to a fast food place with a play area in it and let Haven play, but gets fast food all the time. He won't bring him to an actual playground. He buys himself $40+ in food and beverages every single day (EASILY), but Haven gets shit for food if it's left up to Max to feed him:

In the past week, after getting out of bed and bullying me into a retreat into the bedroom from where I was doing the dishes and about to get Haven food - Max gave Haven a bowl of Goldfish crackers for breakfast. If I am forced into the position of having to ask Max to buy groceries for Haven, he won't do it; he thinks I'm asking him to buy groceries for me personally, and not for Haven, and therefore refuses to buy his son anything, even though it's clear to see that there's no food for Haven. Max confirmed this the other night; within the past 10 days, I asked Max if he could put tater tots in the oven for Haven - I think Haven had been upset about something and I'd calmed him down, and he was sitting very comfortably on me - and Max audibly said something like: are they for you, or are they for Haven?