Memo from to Sleep Self

I was in Fairbanks

sunny, warm, not too hot, but almost

very comfortable weather - the kind where you feel like no matter what happens, you're gonna be ok - comfortable and comforting. I was rushing around, very lost - I've been to this Fairbanks before, the dream one, and I'm always left with an impression of being very lost. I had places to go - 1 or 2 places, but was unsure if I was going the right way, was traveling fast, on foot (?)

Reminding myself that even though it was comfortable there at the time, winter would be harsh and hard to survive, especially after all the other winters I've survived - that I didn't want to be there in the winter, that I needed to complete whatever as much as I could and then get myself somewhere else as fast as I could . Thought of the cold temperatures, the amounts of snow, impressions of ice, saw the harsh white against the darkness of the sky

Impression of Frankie being not in Fairbanks

Impression of Jerry Jr. being nearby

Impression of Sarah being accessible

Went to a "class" that was recurrently held at least 1 more time in this dream

It wasn't what it was supposed to be, but that was part of the plan, maybe

the impression of rich Asian group of men down in front and to my left as I entered, but then to my right as I had my seat, but the men upon sitting as I saw them were large and Native

It was a class on bartering or like forceful sales tactics

A woman standing up and saying something like "you have to buy this ______(whatever the item was)_____from me right now." with a fake smile, her face not actually smiling, but dead serious.

At the end of the class, a tall guy that made me uneasy at first, but at the end of class felt like I could trust him, as I left he was holding the door or something standing very close to me, I felt some kind of linking to him, I may have asked him for direction to where I was going

A room with Sarah there, she was energy, absolutely friendly and honest

the room was very white, not painfully so, but left with impression of white-ness

she may have been wearing white, holding a baby (?)

Impression of Haven nearby, but ok, Sarah made sure he was okay

Opened and closed a long drawer to an armoire dresser - white drawer, maybe trimmed with stained wood, stained a lighter, warm, kinda cheap looking color, drawer came open and closed effortlessly, filled with glass things, left with impression of the glass things I recently took pictures of, most particularly the big glass 2-heart container vase jar, the others very small vase-like things reminiscent of hanging light fixture covers that I've been using as candle stick holders, and punch cups.

The feeling that the room was temporary, that I had to be moving on, nothing sad or emotional about it, the angst was gone, but I clearly had to do something

On a path, slightly woodsy, off of a side road between 2 busier, more traveled ones 1 of the 2 busy roads had a stoplight at the end, a 3-way stop, the other was hard for me to clearly see what was there, at first may have thought a 3 way stop sign intersection or light intersection, but then later was a slight lump of a hill with a yellow/black pedestrian path sign intersecting a long, rectangular green/white sign with the street's name on it. But I was on a path off of the road, where I caught a glimpse of the road at one point, Was lost, not sure which way to go to get where I needed. Back and forth a few times, trying to logic-reason my way to the correct direction for my business, until I saw a sign: it was a jewelry rack sort of affair, the kind that spins and stands up from the floor about chest-height, it had jewelry on it that Sarah (and I?) had made to sell. I wasn't ashamed of the jewelry, was excited to have it and make it known as available for purchase. From then, I knew which way to go, the path got narrower but not scary, just long branches of soft, richly green evergreen-like trees (but much longer leaf things - maybe the trees with the peely red bark and thick trunks? rough, plastic-y, stringy like the strands of Christmas wrap around things are kinda, in fact, I think they make wreaths and stuff out of this kind of branch) the branches were brushing against me, but not my face, from the shoulder and below almost constant body contact, but it was ok, no big deal, felt good and sunny then, very sunny nearly directly on me when found and lifted jewelry rack - buttery yellow morning sun split in large chunks of its streams through the trees. The path came to carnival-like booth sales stands, like a flea market or something in the forest, packed in with the trees. It was a secret place, a word of mouth place that wouldnt be online or on google maps, under the impression it was well-frequented and well-known by who needed and was desired to be knowing it, a local niche kind of a thing, a busy atmosphere to it, though not rushed, very alive, impression of gypsy women, mostly all women there, dont recall any men

was inside a cramped office building hall-ish area, it was supposed to be same place or extension of, less free-feeling, feeling underlying stress, ache for freedom from confines of stuffy area - was supposed to speak to someone about selling the stand of jewelry made by Sarah and I that I carried there. The person was Gordon Wilcox, my first law office employer. He was very, very friendly in a most comfortable way with me, and my feeling after was quite cheery.

Maybe on leaving, there was the gypsy booth area thing, but now it was a desert area, impression of India, everyone wearing different eastern clothing, sun beating down, reddish earth, people kneeling/sitting on ground on tapestry blankets, brass wares, a snake charmer? At least one man, a tall, lean man with a beard and something hat like on his head, everyone had something on their heads, but not typical western head wearables, whereas the people in the woods were female/feminine

Cole next to me in a window seat on a bus, overcast outside, the driver went around the same block a 2nd time for some reason, commenting on this. No eye contact, brooding about something, sitting low, hunched over, sideways eyes. Told him excitedly, animatedly about meeting with Gordon and said something about how "I used to be so afraid of him - now I'm not afraid anymore." I may have been heading back toward the paths of earlier.

Flash back to earlier dream: Cherry and Bigsby at a house I was at - they were there, I had forgotten, but they were with someone, a male, I forgot Bigsby's name, but then remembered, my vision was fuzzy as I looked at Cherry, but when I said her name, she chippered up and did an up-down thing with her head/body, and I knew it was her. Very pleased to see the 2 friendly little blonde conures, who seemed to very much remember me. Bigsby shy, uncertain as always, strengthened by Cherry's presence behind him.

I was sneaking between 2 houses, across a yard, with blessing by like 1 person in house, but others didnt know. But they did find out and it was okay, but I was still acting like I was trying to sneak in and out as much as I could, and quickly, in the night. Sleeping on a couch? A couch that had been slept in? An African American man/family? A lit garage with a child's Fisher Price basketball hoop, a regular-sized basketball on the concrete floor. An orange-yellow lit back room? That's where the birds were, on some kind of elevated level, even if the room was downstairs, it had a loft kind of a thing where they were hanging out, above. when I saw them, they were at about my eye or shoulder level compared to where I stood on the floor, that is where they stood. Impression more of them standing on a stage kind of solid thing, though, like a wide tower, like another level of the floor, but too high up for me to walk on comfortably, with plenty of room for them. The person, the man they were with, definitely had darker skin, felt large and manly, like a glasses-nerd, dark skinned Eli kind of feeling, less familiar with me, though, but very familiar and comfortable with birds, almost one of them feels, his arm was resting on the surface they stood on, like his elbow and forearm were on it. And a laptop computer? Some kind of wired electronic(s), not too many, one or two cords in sight, black single cords, like USB ones.

In a dark-lit kitchen, just light from a window/windows in house, a long kitchen lined with counter and cabinets with solid wall at one end, a window at the other, walled entry in the middle of it, the rest of kitchen a wall (it felt like, but that all was behind me - just counter and cabinets in front). Message from Eli that had me breathless - light colored things the size of greeting cards hanging on cabinets, on fridge - not sure if greeting cards, when picked up was like a hinged box or something, could have been a card, though. maybe one of those pop-up ones. It said something like, to the point of a timeless connection, in a few simple words. That made me absolutely sure that he loved me, he would always love me in a way like nothing else. In a few words, and I was surprised and totally swept off my feet. I could feel the love and his calming, solid energy in the words, in what it was that I held. Whatever the object was. Impression of light turned on after knowing the words, I dont know if I actually saw them, but in the dream and maybe for a time after waking, the few words were clear in my mind. I could be remembering the light turned on wrong, i could be remembering words wrong. Like, always, or forever, or something like that Forever feels wrong, though,I dont think it was forever, but maybe. Forever seems so false. Maybe eternally? Not sure now, but it was a very happy thing to experience. Without that sad feeling on waking, a happiness that kinda stuck with me.

I was thinking about him recently, how my mom told me she'd talked to his mom. How I was such an alcoholic then, how I'm not anymore, and how that has affected my personality. How Max said he liked me better when I drank, how Cole said something to that effect, how Eli wouldnt talk to me on phone when I wasn't drunk, how drunk I was around Ryan, wondering how much of my personality was a drunk person and why would someone like that asshole person better than me not being an asshole person? How somberly sober I am now, no future vision, nothing I look forward to, everything a drag, no privacy or freedom, fear and oppression. Thankful for Haven, and a relatively usually safe place to be with him, a good place in a good area with access to pretty good transportation options, very near the city and all those things. Self-confidence shot, I might as well be 60. Honestly dont see me able to do anything.

Sometimes when you're playing a video game you really want to beat, you get to a part of the game later on that you're sure is impossible, at least for you. You've tried so many times, so so many times, to beat it, but there's one part that you just can't get how anybody is able to get past it. You need someone else to take the remote at that point and do it for you, or do the entire part of that level for you, at least far enough to get you past that part you can't do, so that you can get it behind you and move forward to completing the game, and shouldn't have to do that part over again ever again, unless you want to for whatever reason after you finish the game and can go to whatever level you want to visit. Or you need to buy the book with the cheat codes (I guess you can download them not probably) that will give you the immunity you need to just sail past the hard part wherever you are getting stuck, or one that will let you skip the level altogether, or whatever the cheat codes offer for that point, you need them.

I am at a point where I desperately need to come into possession of applicable cheat codes for the part of the levels that I am stuck at. i can't get past this on my own, and I'm not sure what's wrong with me, but I definitely am not moving forward, no matter how many times I press the buttons, at this point the controller was smashed months ago, a year ago, so I probably need a new controller, too. Or a way to fix the one I have. Maybe there's an updated, better one available now. Or if someone could do it for me, like, I'll be there the entire time, not missing out on the game at all, but someone whose hands are able to press the buttons that I cant press correctly at this point for whatever reason. I need help getting to the castle where the princess is. This karate Koopa is tai kwon do Koopa, and I only know Tai Bo, so it's amazing I ever got past any of the karate Koopas in the first place.