Me Different upload 1/20/21

1122 sitting on bare floor staring At bare floor and teal mesh rolled in front of me next to neon pink Out of the Closet plastic bag
Sitting here for a very long time, staring, saying nothing
Then I started talking about stuff, mostly kk
Started off about my thoughts; I have no happy thoughts, I said this or something like it aloud to kick off my monologue to an empty echoey room
Never much happy to think about 
	◦	When i did, its like it was cursed, i.e. kk's rare medical condition. Why? The exact reason i never wanted kids. And medical things freak me out, hospitals freak me out, doctors are just over-glorified Googlers/educated guessers. It was a shadow over us during her entire childhood. Im certain we would have been just as well, closely bonded, and happy without a shadow. It fucked me up, the dread, the never knowing, the lack of answers EVER-always have to wait and see, always just putting off the inevitable until we dont know when that is though and putting off the inevitable is a dread-filled, looming unknown very different than the tedious, uncomfortable only slightly painful physically but very trying to your spirit and good luck trying to fit in, not stand out, be normal. Only one time-at the hospital- did i ever see a child in a brace like hers. A prepubescent(but getting there) girl, tall, skinny, quiet, an air of disdain and embarrassment surrounding. 
	◦	I think i opened my phone post-monologue to check emails? Even tho im offline, to see if i caj still access, to see if anything from west coast storage columbia city