Long to Coal upload 1/20/21

Are you ever going to acknowledge how abusive you've been to me?

 I remember the first time you told me you hated me. 

We were in my bed in the dark and we were arguing about something trivial, like who was right about something that happened and neither one of us would change our opposing position to the other. And then in a voice akin to a little kid having a tantrum and trying to hurt their parent’s feels, you said, "I hate you." I couldn't believe that you were serious, but you were, and that was the very beginning of your verbal of use of me. It's almost always been entirely out of context when compared to what actually happened that you were berating me for, if anything even happened at all.

 Remember when we were at that Madison house house and you accused me of doing all this stuff to your computer that I didn't do 

you thought that I was able to like hack in and see what was on there 

you had been screaming at me and I had locked myself in the room because you were scaring me and you had been very violent during that time 

like when you held a lit gas torch right next to my head where Pepper was sitting and it was pretty scary 

you were telling me you want me to die and all these things

 So I was locked in the room and you thought I was on your computer for some reason and you stopped screaming and started begging me to forgive you and telling me that it wasn't what I thought and that you could explain everything and you were so sorry. You were basically whimpering. When you figured out that I didn't see anything on the computer, you stopped whimpering and started screaming and pounding on the door again. What the fuck was on the computer that made you act that way?

 Remember when we were at lorries house and you handed me your phone to show me something or other and the chat thing popped up and it was a girl saying stuff that was suggestive

so I clicked the chat and it showed me all the messages with all the girls on that weird website that were WebCam people I guess 

you were talking to these people about to pay money for her to do whatever it does

you were just sitting there with me and Laurie and that is weird and not very real or present

how often do you do that kind of thing while everyone else is being normal? How many times have you cheated on me? Can you Even remember how many? 
How many times have you lied to me? 100,000 times? 500,000? 1 million? How many lies do you tell me a day? 

Remember how I told you that even though Max has been physically abusive to me, I never actually thought I was going to die during any of those times? I remember that there is one time in particular in my life that I thought someone was actually going to kill me and I was going to die there and that someone was you. 

I thought you were going to kill me. I remember you were on top of me and had both your hands around my throat and were smashing my face into the concrete underneath of the thin carpet on the floor and I couldn't breathe and I couldn't even get enough breath in and out to scream out stop the word "stop," just that word, because I wasn't able to get that much sound out because you were choking me that much. I was getting really scared because I couldn't breathe and it felt like forever since I had been able to breathe and I kept trying to tell you that I was gonna pass out and or die. But I couldn't even get out that word. 

So over an extended period of time where you were cutting off my breathing and slamming my head into the cement under the carpet over a drawn out period i was finally able to hoarsely scream your name and that I couldn't breathe. I was so relieved to finally get the words out, i thought saying your name would snap you out of it,

 i thought if you knew how bad you were messing me up that you would 
at least let up a little so i didnt end up accidentally on purpose dying that horribly uncomfortable and painful way. Suffocating strangely hurt and it was awful to endure it to that degree. I hadn't had a decent breath in at least a couple minutes, it was literal torture to have it suffocation drawn out like that. 

I remember it being really dark in the room but I could see you like leaning your face closer to mine and in a gravelly, cold voice you said, "I dont care," 

i felt overwhelming despair and disbelief. And you started going at me and doing it again and that's really when I thought that I was gonna die. 

I remember trying to beg you to stop. I dont know why you finally did. I remember that I grabbed my birds and the cage and I went in the bathroom and locked the door. Like the lock would've done any good. 

One of the memories one of the flashbacks I get that used to make me cry right away was of Pepper on the floor walking towards me after you slammed me onto the floor and your bashing me in someway and I was fighting to get up and you were on top of me hurting me. Pepper had jumped from wherever he had been and was coming to us he was going to try and save me from you. I was so scared that he was going to get crushed. You acted like you were going to crush him on purpose or you did on purpose and I was so scared he was dead and that's when I started actually screaming at you and things  escalated severely because I was hysterical thinking you had just killed him. anyways. 

I have never seen my face look so fight club. If the police would've seen the way I looked after you had been beating on me, you probably would've been in a lot lot lot of trouble. It freaked me out to see myself look that way 

I remember almost hyperventilating in the shock of what had just happened and then to see the evidence of it as my face. 

I hid in the bathroom from the police I hid and 

I lied to them so that you wouldn't get in trouble. 

I didn't tell anyone what happened except for my brother for some reason. I don't ever tell anyone what happens. I probably would be a lot further in life if I did, but it's embarrassing to me to be treated that way. 

I have been trying to figure it out over all these years about why you do it and continue doing it, because 

I wanted to make that part of us go away because when you're not like that to me I really enjoy  spending time with you and I love you and even though you can be judge mental I don't really feel like you actually ever judge me like the way Max's parents do or something like that. You're the only one I have spent time with for a while now or even talk  for a while a long while and that's not your fault. 

I don't know why you won't talk to me about anything that's real that's happened between us or even acknowledge things like that extreme incident at the hotel or other incidences that were also pretty horrible but I didn't think I was gonna die. And you've never even acknowledged acting that way. I don't know why you keep lying to me when 

I know you're lying. I know you've been spying on me and I don't understand how you can with a straight face accuse me of all the shit you accuse me of when 

you know I haven't been doing what you say because you've been spying on me for months, at least for months. 

I am pretty certain I'll never get answers. You don't respect me enough to acknowledge what happened and talk to me straight about any of it much less answer any of my questions about things that happened. Just remember that I know. Please stop playing games with me. 

Please stop fucking with me and fucking lying to me all the time OK?

 A lot of the lies you tell are totally unnecessary and 

you could have said something else that was not a lie 

or you could've just said nothing and 

there are so many other things you could've done besides Lie but you lie instead. I haven't done anything to wrong you so please stop trying to convince me that I have and stop trying to hurt me like I have. 

I want to be good and do well for my family.

Please allow me
That chance.