June 2020 Journal

Today woke up with Haven. He was awake already and fussy. I got him a bottle and changed his diaper. It was beautiful to wake up with him. It was a bright sunny and heat-thick aired warm morning. He is a beautiful boy. I love him so much.

Susan showed up with her annoying son. Typical of the mexican moms, she ignored him and he was a little asshole to Haven while trying to show off to me. He would take a car that has wheels that wind up so when you let it go, it uses the tension built to speed off, he would take the car and instead of letting it go, put the wheels on Haven and it left red marks on Havens bare back.

Susan mentioned the marks and i wAs confused about what they were. She noted that it happened after haven was in the bath and got out. And he was in the bath when she and the baby-talking boy Santana arrived.

Of course she didnt know where the marks came from, she was engrossed in her phone. I don't know what people find so fascinating about these things. Even not hypnotized by a screen, it took me a few observations for it to click in my mind that that was where the marks came from. the sanTana car indian back burns.

I dont like the way the boy treated Haven. I dont like the way he was playing with Havens butt before i put a post-bath diaper on him. Ive never seen a kid play with another kids body- a babys body- like that before. Like he didnt see Haven As a person.

I dont like the way that Susan ignored her son and therefore must ignore Haven. I dont like that she didn't consider her son was the one leaving marks on Haven.

I dont like the way Max ignored all of it. When i left, haven gave me that stare. The way he looked at me told me not to leave him.

But what Max and his secret bed buddy said was that I was an unnecessary in Haven's life. That Susan was good with Haven, that santana was a good influence on Haven, his *santana's* speech impediment did not develop from the confusing inattentive attention, present-not-present physical presence of his mother, who found a way to smother him with rules and Remove nearly all of his independence-this means a parent cares, yes? it means the parent cares too much- oh, what a fault to have, right? - without giving any of her self - her "love" was for herself, he could have been a small pet dog for the concern she ever showed him.