January 10 2022 This is my biggest obstacle right now:

I have a very difficult time leaving my apartment, or anywhere that I am able to have space alone in, be it a public bathroom, rental car, or storage unit, even though I have a place of my own. It can take me days to leave my apartment and execute a plan to run a simple errand. I have medical issues I seriously need to attend to, but haven't been able to do more than write that down on a pages long to-do list.

I've experienced quite a bit of emotional and some physical abuse from men, and am in a situation where I need to have regular contact directly and indirectly with 2 of the people who had/have that kind of relationship with me.

I experience something I call "freezing" where I literally stop moving in the place that I'm at, or get into a sitting position with my knees to my chest and my head in my arms. This happens in response to aggressive, in-person confrontation and flashback type of memories that have strong emotional ties for me. I've been diagnosed with hypertension, and have a theory that the freezing is my body's way of preserving itself, keeping me from experiencing a severe nausea and migraine I get when my blood pressure spikes.

I no longer have an online presence and I don't idly surf the web; I don't watch TV, or listen to the radio or any music anymore, so I'm nearly completely unaware of the going ons in the world around me.

I'm somewhat optimistic that this time will be different and I'll suddenly find that the motivation and freedom from fear I'm experiencing in this moment will have carried over into tomorrow and the next day and the next; that I won't panic at the thought of receiving a response to my message and avoid my phone, and then ignore my Gmail app and related notifications for weeks. This is my biggest obstacle right now: