I left for less than 3 hours

I left Max’s house alone last night for the first time in ... a month? >>>6 weeks?<<< feels correct

i left around 8:15pm and returned around 10:30pm. when I got back, the door was unlocked and bedroom light off.

I walked in the door and saw Haven directly in front of me, at the opposite end of the unlit hall. He looked forlorn, confused, and alone. He stood naked and holding his little teddy bear (one of a handful that I’ve given him and that have become a family of bears-this is the smallest bear and the first of the family, has a red “Play More” tshirt And was the inspiration for my “Happy Happy Happy Bear” song) and his “black tag” a dirty looking blanket with a long strip of the edge- lining fabric come loose but that haven won’t let me remove. The blanket was balled up in the area held in Haven’s grasp, the remainder fell around his lower body and wrapped a bit around and behind him, making Haven look even smaller than his 3 year-old body already is. He looked like he’d been crying. He looked abandoned.

Hey Haven! I cried to him cheerfully, joyed to see him. Usually he greets me with at least somewhat matched enthusiasm, but his posture and expression didn’t change much. He needed me and I wasn’t there. He cried hoping I’d appear and I didn’t. After his dad ignored and/or rejected Haven’s vies for his dad’s attention and settled in the bathroom for the long haul, he sat alone naked with Blippi blaring on the TV. ive been doing clean-up this early morning and see evidence of the neglect in how Haven played with his toys- everything has been destroyed, and it looks as though this was done loudly, as an attempt to get attention. Like, the way the train tracks have way more than normal wrecks taken place on them, with the damage much more chaotic, all kinds of toy cars, usually it’s a certain kind of car that he’ll choose to act out the different play scenarios with.

Haven’s stammer was noticeably worse when I returned. His stammer worsens when his abandonment trauma is triggered. He also will pee everywhere/not in the toilet. He also was noticeably different in his openness to physical affection. He was not affectionate, and he was cold to my gentle attempts to engage him in our cuddly, teasing physical play. during the day, to make sure he gets enough physical contact /feels my presence / feels less alone and forgotten while I’m doing chores And not directly Haven-oriented stuff, I will randomly just kiss him on his back or arms a few times in a pecking way to kind of tickle him, and these actions were met with a cold shoulder rejection - a lack of reaction, and a bit of moving away, declining all involvement in the interaction. Not until i was putting him to bed was he ready to be physically affectionate again. when we came into the room, all the lights were off. I turned on the bathroom light so we could see, then trekked across the room to turn on the lamp. Max laid in bed with headphones on both ears, legs stretched across the length of the mattress. He had all the pillows piled behind him. The bed was covered In gravel again and unmade. I pushed the bed back toward the wall (max always pulls it away from the wall) and unplugged Max’s phone from the charger and extension cord and were lying where Haven was supposed to sleep. Haven bunched up his teddy bears to use as a pillow. I told him I’d get him a pillow and he said No! I got him one anyways but he refused it.

we began playing a little though and laughin. I sang to him. He began meowing and curled up on top of my lap-he utilized the pillow I brought for his kitty head. We pretended our arms were snakes. I said that’s amazing meatball! And Haven told me he wanted meatballs. So we came out and I made meatballs and hand crushed tomato for sauce

when I first arrived max emerged from bathroom for whatever reason then turned right back around and went back in. Didn’t see him really after that. Without telling haven or I he went to bed, while Haven and I snuggle bedtime bonded max subtly pulled a headphone off his ear so he could listen to us. paranoid bitch.

he obviously got fucked up as much as he could the moment I left and spent nearly my entire time back in the bathroom and was in bathroom when I got here. He honestly spends most of his waking time here in the bathroom.