Haven Today: Glowsticks, Bath Chalk, Hair Washing

Very snuggly this morning after another Max outburst last night at bedtime.

After Max’s tantrum, Haven rolled toward me and put his back to Max, and put his arm around me.

This morning, Haven woke me by climbing to sit on my stomach, then rolling to the other side of me, against the wall and placing me between he and Max.

Haven has been crying in his sleep since Max has started bed bullying me again. I always tell myself I don’t care and that it won’t affect my parenting of Haven, but that’s a delusion.

I’m afraid of Max. I don’t like to be cruelly woken up at random, grabbed and cursed at relentlessly, while I’m sleeping next to my son, to have him often woken by that behavior and energy as well. Those things do affect My spending that precious, intimate time with Haven.

I took to insomnia nights, nothing to do since i don’t have a computer or an of my belongings. Sometimes I’d pass out for a while sitting in a chair or on the floor. No energy drink or drugs. Just guilt. And lots of thoughts. Conversations with people and pondering. Plans to go to my old apartment and see if anyone is living there, to sit outside of it and see if Cole and them go outside to smoke, to see if they still live there. If they don’t live there, I have nothing to be afraid of. I’d quickly run to Haven when he cried out for me: Mama!!! - he called out for me every night, at least 2x a night. My being there for him that way wasn’t enough To get the nightmares Haven’s been having to stop.

Then it hit me that it’s not normal for a little kid to wake up crying inconsolably every night. Last year, when I wasn’t able to sleep regularly with Haven, he would very frequently scream out: No!, or Daddy! in his sleep, and wake up crying loudly, sometimes he was violent, but only to Max. He would punch at Max and kick at Max in his sleep and while awake. After I started sleeping regularly with Haven, it all stopped, even with the occasional disturbing AF rape that we were both wakened by.

So I made up my mind to sleep with Haven every night, even if I’m scared, even if we both are wakened by a monster. I can’t let fear rule and ruin my relationship with my child again. Haven needs me, he obviously needs to know I’m there with him While he sleeps. Max obviously worsens the symptoms of whatever Haven’s nighttime PTSD is.

when I refused to leave Havens side last night, I reminded Max that it doesn’t matter what he wants, Haven is what is important. And that Max should care about that. I reminded him it’s not normal for a child to wake up inconsolably crying every night.

Haven told me to draw a parrot when I asked him what I should draw on the bathroom wall.