Ex Peer-ey Ents

I am experiencing some kind of action paralysis. For instance, after I was unable to meet with you for our first appointment due to my son's father's custodial manipulation habit, I thought about contacting you to reschedule every single day until _____, when I was finally able to send you a message. Nearly each of those days, I drafted an email to you in my head - a really good one, but when I had a document open on the computer or pen and paper ready to write it out, the words were gone. I recently came across a confessional-type video of myself from 2018 where I described the exact symptoms I am still experiencing. Basically, I'm unable to act. I've been through a LOT of trauma in the past five years - including:

*the disappearance of my 15 year-old daughter into Fairbanks, Alaska at the hands of her father, who she'd never met before, and who was severely violent towards me when I was 16 years old and pregnant with her. Her father because her father petitioned the AK court for a change in custody without notifying/serving me and an order to modify custody was entered by default that named him full legal and sole physical custodian Police and CPS in WA and AK denied ability to assist me

*the death of my dearest companions (both times because of my action/inaction)

*the loss of everything I've ever owned and every thing that belonged to my daughter, aside from what I could carry and was wearing (I didn't know that what I could carry and what I was wearing would be all that remained of what we'd accumulated in material possessions during our shared lifetime)

*the withholding of my newborn son from me for a still-unknown reason by his father and his father's family, and the incredible pain of knowing he'd had his mother mercilessly taken from him, as though I'd died, most certainly with little sympathy from the emotionally vacant paternal family. I had no place to live when my son was born, and his father's family insisted we come to live in their home. I was the only one taking care of our son, Haven, for the first 2.5 months of his life. During that time, his father began to physically abuse me while he held Haven, while I held Haven, and without a doubt in very crystal clear earshot of his parents - who never intervened, though I formally presented the subject matter twice. They told me to leave with a week's notice, a week after denying my request for a meager amount of financial assistance to move into an apartment I'd been approved to lease located less than a mile from their home (organizations offering move-in assistance could not help me because the landlord offering my lease refused tp provide a W-9). After sending me back to living on the street, Haven's parents quickly put more and more restrictions on when and how I'd be able to see and care for Haven, until I was unable to meet their requirements at all.

*Living on the streets with Cole and birds, Desi's leg, sure Cole was going to kill me, constant instability as to the fate of myself and birds, and what to expect with Cole's extreme emotional displays - him becoming addicted to DMT and pushing very very large amounts of drugs

*Staying at the Nazi house, him raping me, winter without electricity

*Getting pregnant whiel living in car with Max, he wouldn't help me get abortion, his arrest & failure to seek me out - regular abandonment of me during pregnancy - in stairwell of office building, at McDonald's, at library - I had no phone, no money whatsoever, no car, storage overlocked, in denial entire pregnancy - not a single person I'd ever known knew I was pregnant, didn't tell anyone after he was born, either

(*Stints at crack preacher house, camper guy, condemned house

Monorail-level room at The Westin with birds and spiteful "friend." I thought the upside down document basket would make a useable perch for bird feet. No, though. The wood ladder is Desi's, as well as the mirror. He totally stole that mirror from me