Deer Currently Competent, Medical Practice-Licensed, Happily Married*, Mental Health Physician**:

*If not, how do you ever expect to be happy? And married? Now that you're a competent, medical practice-licensed

**What are the various requirements to practice as those various variety of legally treating-able dr.s? What is the difference in education and experience in order to be certified/licensed as a mental health dude v. a general practice dude v. specialty dude? Does anyone who actually performs work on a person's body required to be a surgeon? What kind of education and experience does that require? Who undergoes the first surgery(ies) for these hopeful surgical licensees?**

**Who checks these qualifications, anyways? When a physician is hired or contracted or whatever it is that they do with a clinic, hospital, or private individual(s), is their***

***yes, their license and stuff is probably checked really quick by whoever is interested in giving them monies or something else of value in exchange for the medical care provider's specialized skill(s). Even I have checked on/verified such information about such - in Alaska - to confirm active doctor statuses with the medical board and things like that. So nevermind about that one.

I haven't been able to do anything all year.

I moved into my own place in January after nearly 5 years without a home. A few weeks prior, I had felt myself mentally slipping; any motivation I'd had to continue battling for a place in the world was about completely drained from me. "I feel like I'm about to lose it" "I feel like I'm losing it"

Haven unable to be at my apartment. Neighbors downstairs, ex-boyfriend. Camera that can see through walls - was there when he was given it and was testing it out. Can hear everything. Sometimes hours every day jealous gf nagging about me, him telling her how awful I am and why she shouldn't be jealous. Her loud overreactions to any sound made, yelling his name "Cole!" if I do something particularly heinous. Him coming to exactly where I am and pounding the floor with an object or a vacuum, directly under my feet. Watching me in the bathroom.

Months of stillness. Blur in my memory. Took me a month to return messages re rent assistance. Timed myself one day - sitting cross legged on floor in front of window I could only see the top of tree through. 9am - 430pm. Just sitting there staring. Computer open near me, didn't use it at all. No phone use, for sure.

Huge issue leaving where I'm at. Can take days, a week to do something I mean to do, with every day my objective is accomplishing the thing. Once I get out, I have a hard time leaving any space that allows me any kind of ownership or privacy. Rental cars, room rentals, my apartment. Rental car towed because sat in it in driveway instead of returning it less than 1 mile away. I meant to. I very much meant to. It's a confusing problem. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

High blood pressure? Sick from it not infrequently - induced by stress. Even with my mind calm, my body will freak out and I'll get so sick. Will lose 18 hours - 3 days in illness/recovery from it.

Max. At his apartment 2+ months, didn't visit mine for over a month Oct. 30th or so - December. Any time I leave for any amount of time, Haven experiences something negative and there is plain evidence on my return of this every time, unfortunately. I wish he had a father who cared about him and who would treat him like an average person who kind of cared for their child would.

For the first 2 years, Max avoided physical contact with Haven, his avoidance tactics bizarre and obvious behind closed doors. He was unaffected by Haven's screams/cries. Haven with obvious attachment issues related to his father - hasnt displayed similar behaviors with me.

Things that have recently troubled me have been lack of attention to Haven/Max heavy drug use and physical isolation of himself in bathroom/outside in truck/downstairs in laundry room - leaving Haven alone or if present physically, not mentally present.

Max makes crack and sells it to the neighbor. When I leave, his manufacturing activities apparently increase; every pot/pan and almost every dish in house will be dirtied, but not because of food.

The house will be severely unkempt and dirty, there's often upturned plates of food or pizza boxes on the floor.

Obvious Haven hasn't been fed appropriately - nearly always, I find a bowl of cold lil smokies and goldfish crackers as evidence of Haven's necessary feeding.

Never water - Max is against giving Haven water, will push juice drinks on him instead, insisting that he have juice instead of ice water.

There's evidence of Haven's unhappiness, when he was younger, of him being trapped in his crib before bedtime - toys violently thrown out of the crib, everything torn up - entering the room, you could feel the energy of his desperation - now that he's older, I can see a trail of blankets down the hall to the bathroom (for example), I can see where he'd been expected to play, the way that his toys are left show me he was unhappy with that situation, impatient with his lack of attention from others - toys out of their normal place, he'd brought them to where adults were to try and impress them with his play, try and get attention.

Max's refusal to assist with potty training. Treating Haven inappropriately if Haven doesn't make it to potty chair, despite my giving Max articles about how to go about potty training, in addition to verbally telling him what I read in the articles.

Exposing Haven to unsafe people and situations, i.e. "Gigi" and company. Sells drugs, felony for assaulting own kids. Incredibly emotionally/mentally unstable and physically aggressive. Very overweight- heroin. Stereotypical gutter trash traffic - witnessed one day from Max's car. Haven acting out after time alone with her, regression in skills learned, especially verbally - regress to using only a few words over and over, would stop experimenting with new sounds and words (babble), silent save for those words. "trash truck" "bottle"

Max no interest in Haven's future, or doing anything particularly for Haven

Max refusal to buy Haven food all year - I purchased the majority of Haven's food with cash and then with an EBT card and cash (every month I use the entire balance to purchase food for Haven). Baffling. Max would come home with new 6 pack of beer every day but nearly always "forgot" to get Haven milk, never any produce, nothing for Haven, really, unless WIC. Everything purchased was bought because Max wanted it for himself and was generous enough to share some of it with Haven. So I bought Haven things I knew he liked, that he would like to try, that I could make breakfast, lunches, and dinners with, and walked/bussed them here until I bought a vehicle in August.

No communication of any kind with any person, aside from Haven, and Max when forced to. Unable to talk to daughter. Bought her two tickets here, she didn't come either time, says she still wants to come, gave me dates. Lied about plane leaving airport early - it left late.

No "fun" activities, internet browsing, games. No time for myself. Max refuses to give me schedule, unable to do things I need to do like get car repairs done, anything during business hours will not be something I can do.

No music.

Sudden moments in day where I'll be hit with a memory of something that is very sad to me, will stop me in whatever I'm doing. Freeze up. Do this breathing thing I do to help me calm down, not cry. Sometimes still scream out without meaning to; "No!" a name, or "Stop!" Usually one of those. When alone, will often crouch down, fold my stomach in, to help with nausea.

Subconscious avoidance tactics of things I need to do, highest avoidance tactics relate to actions most important to me.

Unable to complete sales - put things in a box and send them out, even when items are in the same apartment as me and easily accessible - even after I get them out and have a mailing label ready for them - why can't I send them out?

No doctor, dentist. Told Hep C when Haven born. Could have been false positive - something happened with cervical cancer thing after Krystin was born.

No showers - don't remember the last shower I had. Will wash hair 1x - 2x/week.

Still freeze up when Max yells at me - will literally stop in motion and not be able to move for a bit- often sink down to floor, head on knees, wont move or talk for a few minutes - 20 minutes?

Nightmares seem like they've lessened. Used to scream out in my sleep a lot. Max won't tell me if I still do.

Max abuser, manipulator. Haven manipulated by Max and Max's parents, against Max. and myself, assumedly.