9/19/2021 10:04 anxiety sales

Haven bored:

Left Max around 840pm night before (Saturday) to empty car of rug, clean laundry, so Haven and I could do train hunt

Fell asleep in car:

Fell asleep in car during heavy downpour until about 2 hours before sunrise. Woke up badly needing to go peepee.

Severe anxiety:

Sat in car for a long while (45 minutes-1.5 hours?) waking up, trying to come to terms with what happened

(guilt over no train hunt with Haven)

(Wondering if Max and Haven had come to my apartment - worried Max had brought Haven into bad weather without a suitable jacket (Max only has water-resistant outer shells for jackets available for Haven at his apartment) and made Haven wait out in cold for me to answer my door when I was not even home)

(Envisioning Cole+ smoking outside near stairs to my apartment, one of them spotting me walking up; loudly exclaiming about me as is common, or loudly shuffling and hissing feigned whispers at each other. Inwardly struggling with anxiety over these fantasies. Trying to reason myself to fear-free. Logically: why would this scare someone? Nothing to actually fear. Why acting this way? Cole+ wouldn't act this way. Max wouldn't act this way.)

Had to use bathroom badly entire time.

Daylight:

Finally easily got up out of car, took 1 backpack, walked up to apartment, unlocked and inside without big issue. Dont think i heard or sensed the big commotion from downstairs that i usually cause upon entry.

I noticed daylight outside after about an hour of being in my apartment.

East Valley Storage closed

Kirkland estate sale

Max stealing

Picking fights with me in p.m. bc i looked like sh**

Went to community center to use wifi around 1218pm. Was supposed to clear unit by 1234pm. Called East Valley Storage. Answering service said closed, sending inquiry to facility.

Had messages from Max:

Sunday 3:07am

That phones ready for you to use. Will you fuck me now?

10:13am

Wanna go to Kirkland estate sale?

10:14am

It's 10-3

11:50am

?

Then later after we were at his apartment:

7:56pm

Why don't you like getting fucked and forced to suck my cock anymore? I forget.

Said parents out of town, didn't know who watching house, no cars out front at any time ive driven by - i think mexican stays there and max is taking care of cats - he has mexican hide car now bc I recognized it that one weekend and he tried to tell me it was her husband's car. It wasn't. I think max is there this morning with her bc he spent an hour (at least) in bathroom this morning before going to "work" (without telling me that he was leaving).

Haven bored lots of energy. Raining.

He loves the train tree and the train city Christmas decorations from sale. Man - Frank - and wife who'd owned home 50 years. Felt at ease with them, though still anxious, would rather hide, was observed subconsciously attempting to avoid/hide from others entire time. Had huge bald eagle

Collection. Enormous stone eagle fountain in backyard. Heavy hearted for the couple.

A big friendly untrained dog wouldnt leave us alone after Haven took off from estate sale down sidewalk. Two younger (5-7 or 8 years old) black kids boy & girl playing near adult-size basketball hoop 2 houses down. Pitbull bodied older white dog with few brown spots loped heavily toward us licking his mouth sniffing shuffling feet, then leaping at me with his large thick yellowed toenails, raking down sides of my arms. Haven still on ground, i could tell by body language what dog was doing. Blocked him from being able to jump on Haven with my body. Finally picked up Haven and had to continue to protect him, turning this way and that to protect him from leaping dog. Even as I retreated back to Max unlocked truck, dog was at my legs, sniffing heavily and leaping toward Haven, who was silent the entire time. Not a peep. Wide eyed, staring at dog, as if in a trance. Not fighting me, body not even tense - totally trusting me as bodyguard from the beast. I finally opened truck door and helped Haven to stand on drivers seat. Stood in door opening when turned to face dog he finally cheerfully obeyed the calls of the children who had followed us halfway down the sidewalk, the girl gave me a sideways look I couldn't read - not a mean one- dog heavily loped toward girl, thudded into her then continued on away from us toward the boy. Haven seemed unaffected.