PROVEIT2METESST
Haven's dad, Max, and I weren't a couple during or after my pregnancy.
We were, however, both living in his car, a beat-up Honda that left such a bad visual first impression, that for over ten days straight, we were pulled over every day. Just because. I'm pretty sure one of those days we were pulled over twice.
The car ran fantastic and gave us no real problems. I don't think Max ever even checked the oil or topped it off (he didn't get an affection for the vehicle like I did). He and I drove it all day, every day, all around Seattle and the eastside from the start of spring until October.
Historically, Max and I couldn't spend more than 8 hours together without a heated conflict. These conflicts regularly became physically violent. He's not the only one who was the aggressor; I distinctly remember throwing a stack of large, cracked, vintage plates - the off-white kind with a dark blue detailed drawing of a barn or a log cabin or something covering the large part of its face - one by one like frisbees at him, as hard as I could. At close range, too. I was SO mad at him!! Lucky for him, each of the plates completely missed.
We survived that summer without many problems that I can recall. I honestly don't remember anything memorable happening until I was pregnant.
I was in a state of mourning? I was deeply grieving. Hopeless and lost in despair? In a state of shock so severe that I forgot for the length of an entire summer how much I hated Max? I was really, really, sad, though. Words fail to begin to even outline a frame of a shadow and like. That is dramatic sounding, but it was dramatic, dude. Everything was so unreal and out there and I was alone; even worse, I was alone next to a drone.
After my experiences over the year leading up to that summer in the car, the things that had made me angry to the point of violent plate throwing tantrums were things I really didn't give too much of a crap about anymore. I stopped listening to music, I was a lot less of a smart ass, my energy eaten by the nauseating sadness and guilt.. Max may or may not have been a lot nicer to me during that time, too; silent as I was, and completely in his control (his deep, dark insecurities make him a crazy control freak).
Tried to get Max to communicate w/his mom
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Using the bathroom
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Siphoning gas
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Getting food
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Kirkland Way Storage locks, wanderings, getting trapped by employees, gas mask
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Cube storage - guys telling us about the list - Jack Johnson on repeat w/motion-activated audio trigger - telling Max there were reports of people too frightened to access their unit b/c didn't want to leave their car near Max's where he was inside visibly sleeping, w/mouth open. They said they were frightened of that.
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Getting trapped/caught at Public Storage in another unit
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Setting off property-wide alarms & spot lights leaving late when door to building latched - had to scale & jump fence again, for some reason I was wearing a tutu and a headdress or wedding veil or some madness
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Kenmore lady secret cameras & police officer buddy
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Air bnb's - people pretending to live in apartment for rent, then sneaking out
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or sneaking into a space & watching us on cameras or something {Greenlake - stole my purse and threw it in the sidewalk after wailing on me with his fists in parked car then running away on Monther's day -1st mother's day as an adult w/o my daughter b/c my daughter was kidnapped & no one knw where she was or if she was ok - no one, and the police lied to me about doing a well child check and CPS up there was unable to get in contact w/daughter b/c it's parent's legal right to refuse access to worker in AK), Kenmore? Bothell? }
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North Seattle Russians HAVE to leave house by certain time every day, South Seattle Rainier with lean-to shed in front with tarp and 1 unsheltered side with man living in it, , Bellevue/Redmond Indian lady who gave us $500 cash to leave after seeing unshaved Max & Honda
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My mouth pain - screaming one night
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Messages exchanged while stranded in Kirkland Library parking garage, while pregnant, in February.
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Renton hotel - wallet - legos - police officer at room
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Hoping Max would let me sit in drivers seat so I could drive around eastside aimlessly while he slept - get lost- for some reason never any trouble when I was driving car
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Loved to park in Kirkland near a p-patch on top of hill - loud, zoo sounds, squirrels and birds hopping around everywhere - the only happiness I felt (truly, it's true), the only thing I enjoyed besides getting lost
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Max hit by car while I was at library
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Renton police officer - Jim - who talked to me for a LONG time and gave me $20 - I wonder if he remembers me
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I knew right away
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Dream - I think 2 dreams, 1 in Magnolia at home, 1 in car
Imitation denial
Max's unspoken refusal to assist & why that I just now figured out for some reason
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Max quit his job w/out telling me & tried to do a daily life thing w/an entirely different schedule & waited for me to notice (or, hopefully not) that something was different and bring it up myself. If I hadn't said something, I don't think he ever would have mentioned it.
Car started to stop
Redmond Sting operation while I slept for 1st time in over 36 hours. Treating me AWFUL because of how drowsy I was, completely confused, talking about me like I wasn't there, comments about being a heroin user or something, nicer when I woke up and wasn't as f***** up groggy. Took car, all my things, even phone gone.
Max arrested, disappeared for 1st time.
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He left me in Bellevue near Tmobile place, bus to Kirkland & 'breaking in' to Kirkland Way with flag
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Late night buses in freezing cold - wrapped in huge blanket from bin, not even caring what looked like exhausted and cold, asking for free ride - very hard for me to do that
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Me staying in freezing cold storage, creep as f***, climbing & jumping over barbed wire-topped fence to get out and in
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The office building & the heated luxury (seeming - esp. in the dark) boat
Car stopped in church parking lot & wouldn't go
Lighting candles inside to keep warm - Max gone no blankets
Wonwwr coming and terrorizing - driving like playing chicken revving car loud loud repeatedly flashing lights skidding in circles around car I was in
Stayed with Cole when I could - every 1.5 -3 days suddenly erupted at me, disturbing monologues and outbursts over made-up or exaggerated things, devastating with what he would say and his actions - always in middle of night or unreasonable hour insisting I leave right away, never discussed anything with me or gave true reason for his front of insanity (a girl wanted to come over). He hated me before I was pregnant and even more after the fact. I stayed many freezing nights in the filthy laundry room of the apartment building. Could charge a phone there, but no heat. Used a clothes iron to stay warm a few nights, collected quarters to run dryer. Stolen candles, thrift store 1/2 used tea lights, tried putting them under a plastic chair I sat on for heat with a blanket over me and the flame(s) to keep the heat in the blanket and on me (very dangerous - had nightmares about catching on fire when fell asleep this way), tried a variation of that but with flattened boxes positioned in a wall kind of structure tightly around me. Never able to acquire a space heater I could afford or felt comfortable stealing. So hungry - using a shitty steak knife or Swiss army type of wine/bottle opener to rip apart cans of generic-brand green beans that I tried to heat over recycled candles handmade by me out of ones used until a melted puddle of wax - took all the waxes and something that I thought could use as a wick, or a burned match for a wick.
Car gone & Max disappearance
Broke into new construction, didn't meet me there
Someone else came in, though, I heard them as they entered the house, when they came up the stairs. They found me - they stopped and stared at me. No weird energy, nothing happened. They moved silently on. I wonder who that person was.
Looking for help - not what I thought it would be, should have known help doesn't actually exist for "homeless." Denied everywhere, for everything, I think I was denied food stamps because I was an "able-bodied worker." Because I was a single adult without a dependent, I got no special treatment because I was pregnant. There isn't a special fund for pregnant homeless women, not that I found. I thought that there would be. Emails soliciting help to every organization listed in outdated referral booklets and website 'other resource' links.
Max felt baby kick, left me at library or Safeway or something without warning less than 24 hours later
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Chasing Max out of library, screaming at him for leaving me - I was recognized by woman at shelter I went to (shelter didn't have a place for me because I was only pregnant, I would have had a place to stay if the baby was outside of my body, but since the baby was inside of my body instead, there was nowhere for us to stay.
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Crack preacher "Jesus calls me friend, and so can you" - finally got my drivers license
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Blizzard - hard drive
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Max kept saying he was going to get $ for unemployment from job he left (decided to claim he was fired)
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Joining a gang & getting arrested
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Passing out at consignment store surrounded by bags